I’m 66. I’m fortunate
that my health is pretty good and that I’m still working and living an active,
and (I think) productive and full life.
But I can feel the aging taking place in me – in my vision and hearing
and those aches that have developed in various parts of my body. And I know that the time has come, perhaps it
is well past time, for me to get together with my children and talk about
issues relating to my aging.

I’m not saying that the time has already come for my
children to step in – it’s too early for that. When children try to take over
too early it can lead to embarrassment and humiliation for the parent. But it is time to prepare for the future day
when they may need to step in – and to give them the tools and advance support
that they will need. It’s time for my children to gain at least some awareness of
my financial, estate planning, and health care arrangements.
So the time has come to start “the conversation” – which I don’t
see as a single event but as an ongoing dialogue that will continue over the
coming years. Our lives and circumstances and attitudes change over time. If I get there, I expect that my perspective
on life will be very different at age 90. Certainly my health and financial
situations will have changed. I need to keep my children updated.
But, of course, care dependency due to accident or illness
can arise suddenly at any time. Whenever it might occur, I know that my long term illness would affect my whole family. My children would have to step into new caregiver
and care advocate roles. It would be a
big transition for them that I know will go much more smoothly if our family
has prepared in advance.
Emotionally, these are difficult issues for parents to
discuss with children. No one likes to
think that a day may come when they won’t be able to manage their finances or
make other decisions. And many parents do not want to disclose information
about their finances and other personal matters to their children. Moreover,
discussion of such topics usually makes both the parent and the children
uneasy. As a result, many families don’t talk about these issues until a crisis
occurs; then, unfortunately, it may be too late.
But there are many potential advantages to having the conversation and
planning in advance. We can:
·
Give
our children the opportunity to know what we want and don’t want.
·
Limit
the possibility that our children will step in too soon;
·
Reduce
future emotional pain for our family;
·
Increase
our potential to remain independent and in control of our lives for as long as possible;
·
Give
our children the legal powers they will need if they ever do have to step in;
·
Reduce
the stress and anxiety involved if our children have to make difficult
decisions during a time of crisis;
·
Reduce
financial problems and losses and protect our
financial security;
·
Help
ensure that the right person will be making the right decisions for us if we
ever lose the capacity to make decisions ourselves;
·
Increase
the potential that we will always be treated with dignity and respect;
·
Reduce
the potential for family disagreements;
·
Protect
our assets from the cost of any care we may need;
·
Help
ensure that our personal preferences and choices are known and will be followed;
·
Limit
the potential involvement of courts and state protective service agencies in
our lives.
Children do not have to know everything about their parent’s
lives. They don’t need exact facts and
figures. But there are some key pieces
of information that should be shared:
·
Financial
Power of Attorney
- Who is to serve as financial decision maker in the event of the parent’s
incapacity? Has a power of attorney been
prepared to provide authorization? Where is the power of attorney document
located? How can the family obtain it when needed?
·
Health
Care Agent - Who
should make health care decisions for the parent in the event of an accident or
illness? Where is the legal
authorization located? Has the parent given instructions for treatment in the
event of terminal illness or permanent coma?
·
Income,
Assets and Debts -
It is not necessary for the children to have a listing of the parent’s income
and assets, but they should know where to get this information if it is ever
needed. If it is not provided to the
children, it could be held by the parent’s lawyer, accountant, or a trusted
friend.
·
Health
Insurance -
children should be aware of their parent’s health insurance coverage including
retirement benefits, Medicare, Medicaid, Veterans, and long term care
insurance.
·
Wills,
Trusts, and Life Insurance Policies. The children should know where these documents
are located.
The best time to discuss future legal, financial and health
care decisions is when the parent is healthy and competent. When and where the initial conversation
should take place and who should be present are issues you should consider in
advance. Some parents want to include as
many family members as possible. If so,
a family get-together on a holiday may present a relaxed opportunity.
Should all of the children be included? Should children’s spouses be present as well?
Your answers will vary depending on your family situation. As a general rule, it is helpful if you can include
all of the children in the meeting.
Excluding a child may only cause problems
later. If the family situation is tense,
you may want to include the parent’s lawyer or financial advisor in the
meeting. The presence of this professional “outsider” can help keep things
objective and more businesslike.
Often it is the children who are most hesitant to begin the
conversation with their parents.
It is only natural to want to postpone thinking about difficult issues -
life without the parent or a parent who needs care. Children who were once so dependent on the
parent may have difficulty accepting the reality that someday the roles may be
reversed.
Families can benefit greatly if they can overcome their natural reluctance to
discuss and plan for the future. Talking
and planning in advance is a great kindness that parents and children can do
for one another. Someday it may be of
immeasurable help to the entire family.
And there is one immediate benefit - after the discussion, everyone
usually feels like an enormous burden has been lifted off their shoulders.
{The picture included above is one of me and my children in 1981}
{The picture included above is one of me and my children in 1981}